Road Trip Diaries 1: Always Have a Road Atlas and at Least a Half Tank of Gas
My pappy taught me to always have a road atlas and at least a half tank of gas. When things get intense or overwhelming or boring, I am known to just run away (guess my sun sign1). I make sure to always have the materials on hand for a quick getaway, tucked away under the basement staircase: ultralight camping equipment for one, dehydrated gourmet meals, a few gallons of water and the means to purify more, light sources, maps, navigation aids, knives (for cooking and for safety), a first aid kit and miscellaneous survival tools, all weather outdoor gear and durable boots, well worn.
Combing through my diaries from last summer, I can see how I felt like my life was spinning increasingly out of control. I had been drinking more than I’d like for months after a friend’s sudden death and was finding myself completely unable to settle my nerves and convince my body that I was, in fact, safe. In a constantly activated nervous system, eating came with nausea, resting came with tension, living came with constant vigilance. Sleeping, there were times when I would wake up suddenly and just bolt across the room for no discernible reason. The community I found during the pandemic, normally the space I’d retreat to when I needed a break from the world, became a source of stress as well; bullying and gossip left me feeling isolated and resentful. People I’d cut out of my life were returning, and with them, bringing up old wounds, old trauma, things I thought I’d dealt with, but apparently never fully did. I was desperate, spikey, exhausted, body-confused, and very much done with it all.
I needed to change something, but what that something was escaped me. Pressure from friends to go to talk therapy built up more resentment; cognitively, I was good. It was my body that was in open rebellion. I couldn’t fucking relax, and no amount of talking would help me through that.2 Fleeing felt imperative, if even just for the reset and space.
I texted a few close friends and family to let them know I would be disappearing for a bit and got on the road around 3pm on a random Sunday in July, a straight shot drive to Toledo. Really, I just needed to start the trip before I ended up talking myself out of it. I threw together the beginnings of my road trip playlist and scream-sang the new 100 gecs song at the top of my lungs. There was such an overwhelming, all-encompassing giddy-bliss in imagining all the possibilities as I started the drive.
I had zero idea when I’d be back.
Road Trip Diaries Day 1: Sunday, July 23, 2023
Drive: Pittsburgh, PA to Toledo, OH | 222mi | 3.5 hours
Eat: Jambon beurre and a cold brew for the road
Sleep: Tent camping at Toledo East KOA Journey
[New Voice Recording 1]
“It just feels like everything I do is picked apart, and analyzed, and somehow wrong… and it’s all just criticism. And I can’t just live my life? And I feel like all’s I’m doing is worrying about other people, and not myself. It’s really affecting my sense of self, I feel like. Because if I’m just sitting around in my house all day thinking about everyone else, I’m not working on myself, I’m not taking care of myself. Sometimes I’m not feeding myself. All these things, and it’s just like, getting more and more unhealthy.”
“I just want to live and not have people be pissed at me for like two fucking seconds. Have some joy in my life and feel safe and comfortable. So I’m just fucking off. Why don’t I just drive? I have everything I need to survive. I just did inventory on my camping equipment, like, a few weeks ago. Had water, had enough food. An atlas for the road. That’s all I need, really.”
7:31pm: Got into the KOA, immediately set up my tent, sleeping bag despite my exhaustion. Look at me being a responsible camper. I’m sitting down at the on-site picnic table with my National Geographic Road Atlas (Adventure Edition), pondering my next steps. Current plan is to visit my sister in Boise and make a bunch of stops along the way. I figure I could turn around there, or I could just keep going. I heard Sioux Falls is a nice place to stop along I-90, so I’ll try to find a last-minute place midway-Wisconsin for my next sleep.
I don’t even know how long I’m going to be gone for. Thought about driving all the way up to Glacier, a true bucket list place for me, but it seems so far, so I’m going to say no to that. For now at least. Lots of room to plan and be flexible, as long as I can find a place to sleep and occasional wifi for work. No real itinerary. Just going. I’ve never even been to most of the states I’m planning to visit. And honestly, it’s hard to remember the last time I took an unscheduled trip.
7:54pm: I decided to start a road trip tradition of mildly awkward bathroom selfies. I feel like it’s a realistic way to document the vibes of the KOAs I stay in. This one — pretty bare bones, as the Journey KOAs are. Nice bathroom, lots of bikers tent camping. Easy stop for Night #1.
Road Trip Diaries Day 2: Monday, July 24, 2023
Drive: Toledo, OH to Rockford, IL to Milton, WI | 374mi | 6 hours
Eat: Car cereal, random rest stop snacks, locally-sourced burger at Prairie Street in Rockford, camping meal of canned split pea soup
Sleep: Tent camping at Hidden Valley RV Resort
6:08am: Sleep wasn’t the best. KOAs are a reliable, usually safe bet, especially when I’m traveling solo, but they often involve RVs coming in and out all night, which sucks as a tent camper. The noise, the headlights illuminating the inside of my tent. But hey, here I am, up at sunrise, planning on a hot shower. Ideally no breakfast, just cereal in the car, so I can hit the road as soon as possible.
Rained overnight, so I have to pack the tent all wet in the car. Won’t even bother folding it up when it’s that soaked, just’ll put it on top of all my supplies in the trunk. I’ll be pitching it again in a half day or so, depending on how many stops I make and where I decide to stay for Night #2.
7:13am: Stopped at a random gas station for some snacks and a more substantial breakfast than car cereal. Opened up Instagram just to be hit with a shitty message. A fight with someone who can’t just let go. Notifications are going off. I’m so done, so sick of random shitty messages, sick of people who can’t just leave me be. I’ve left, haven’t I? Leave me be.
1:20pm: Stopped in Rockford to get a quick workout in before lunch. The lovely people at Rockford Barbell gave me the code to their space. Kilo plates! A rarity on the road! If anyone ever doubts my wild Sagittarius energy, know that I randomly fucked off to a different state and immediately found a gym with kilo plates. It’s a nice, well-maintained space — perfect. I’m going to do my best to keep lifting while I’m on the road, though I know I’ll most likely have to compromise quite a bit, especially as I get into more remote areas.
Planning on finishing up here, then having a burger by the river before hitting the road again. I’d like to make it into Wisconsin by late afternoon. I’m covering a lot of ground, but once I get into the west, I’ll be able to slow down a bit and enjoy. Just need some immediate distance.
4:27pm: Nearly shit myself driving on the highway. Zoomed off the first exit I could find in a random part of Wisconsin, made a wrong turn and ended up in some clinic parking lot, whipped a U-ey, found a gas station, Emergency Bathroom Time. Ugh. Made it to the KOA early, heated up a can of split pea soup on my camp stove and paid way too much money ($4) for a single dose of Pepto Bismol. Hopefully I’m getting all the travel sickness out of the way early on, because Jesus Christ, it’s only Day 2.
The Canadian wildfires are still raging on, so camping outside has been rough on my throat and lungs. There’s no real way to keep it out of the tent and stay cool. Packed a ton of masks for COVID safety, so I could consider sleeping in them to try and filter out the smoke. Maybe even find a motel when air quality is in the red. I’m already starting to develop a cough. Again, it’s only Day 2.
7:11pm: Winding down for the evening, wondering when all this woah-I-maybe-just-made-a-bad-decision-or-maybe-I-didn’t energy will wear off. Last time I randomly drove cross country… I think it was November 2016? I still regard that as the best decision I could have made at the time. And one of the best things I’ve done for myself in general. So I’m hoping the energy here will turn out the same.
Tomorrow’s drive will be long, nearly 6.5 hours to Sioux Falls. I’ll have to get an early start and decide on a place to stop for lunch. As per usual, I’ll wing it. It’s kinda fun that way.
Sagittarius, of course.
Eurocentric, somatically-removed-and-divorced-from-the-collective talk therapy, that is.